So ever since I did the blog about that space cadet living in a dream world Lindsay Hitchcock, I’ve continued to be offended at how terrible her article was. Just disgusting, typical girl mumbo jumbo that she’s collected in her over emotional brain throughout a lifetime of Disney movies and romantic comedies. Well apparently she was informed of my anti-pussification of girls post and it hurt poor Lindsay’s feelings. She wrote a nice little hate message on the Lala land Facebook page which I didn’t see until Sunday morning and it made me giggle. I assumed it would still be there in the afternoon so I could blog about it later (although in retrospect I should have known better, remember who we’re dealing with here… craaaazyyyyy). It was something along the lines of me being a stupid uneducated bitch with nothing to do, she writes for AOL and is the Carrie Bradshaw of Orlando, she’s not a fatty and posted a pretty little picture of her in a granny looking polka dot bikini, and who the hell am I? Nobody. To which I posted the following:
Then I went back to the page later that afternoon and she had taken it down. Why Lindsay? Why did you take your haterade down? Oh yeah, that’s right, because you’re crazy. Then everything went back to normal and yet this remains on her Facebook page as of yesterday:
You believe that!? No one looks good in bangs!? For shame. Lots of girls look good with bangs.
You see friends, Lindsay lives fake life. Where the internet is a feel good place for regurgitated Cosmopolitan articles and useless tidbits of information from her own experience that no one cares about. Everyone is nice to each other and says nice things and we all eat cupcakes with rainbows and butterflies. Barstool is real life. People talk shit, we make fun of everybody, everybody makes fun of us more than anything, and the world is just how it should be. Nothing is taken too seriously because we’re here to have a good time. Make the people happy. Lindsay has a job to do and so do I. She writes feel good shit and I write real life shit. If you’re going to put yourself out there, you gotta learn how to stop crying about it when someone calls you out for being retarded. People make fun of me all day every day and I’m cool with that, I’m right there laughing with you. Yet when one little blogger makes fun of Lindsay, she goes all #13 from her own list “psycho” on everybody and spews an arrogant period mess all over Lala’s Facebook page and then goes #13 again and takes it down so I can’t blog it. So just for the sake of contrast, here’s a list of 24 things I wish I knew before I turned 24 coming from a stupid uneducated bitch who is not Orlando’s own Carrie Bradshaw.
1.) Don’t spend your money on expensive beer when you’re trying to get wasted.
Natty ice and keystone light will do. After you get past the first couple, everything is a-okay.
2.) Don’t be born as Karen Owens.
3.) Facebook is like careerbulider.com
No matter what anyone says to you, fill that shit up with whatever the hell you want. You know who will hire you? Barstool Sports.
4.) Read all the books in college that you’re supposed to.
It makes it so much easier to play along with Jeopardy.
5.) Pictures of you last forever.
Make funny faces in them because they’re much more entertaining to look at years later.
6.) If your boyfriend cheats on you, break up with him.
Or at least get back at him. Doormat girls all over the place makin us look bad.
7.) Don’t buy expensive clothes to wear to parties and shit.
You’re going to stand in the corner and be lame because you don’t want to fuck your shit up. Get a wife beater, cut it in half. Party.
8.) Wear makeup when you go out.
Please. Nothing worse than an ugly girl to begin with lookin like she just rolled out of bed tryin to hang with the big kids.
9.) Get the oil in your car changed when you’re supposed to.
You will seriously blow up if you don’t. No joke.
10.) Figure out how to put a condom on.
11.) If you urinate in public you can get listed as a sex offender.
Find a bathroom.
12.) Don’t get herpes. For real.
I know people that got herpes in college and I was like, oh wow that sucks, then I forgot about it. Then I saw them again years later and they still had herpes. That shit NEVER goes away.
13.) Get a dog. Or two or five.
Best money you will ever spend.
14.) Homeless people are awesome.
15.) New Years Eve is overrated.
Never turns out as good as you want it to. Stop trying to make it so spectacular.
16.) All the hot girls in high school turn out to be ugly and all the ugly girls in high school turn out to be hot. Sometimes applies to guys, not as much.
17.) Being tired is not an excuse.
Like P. Diddy said, sleepin is for bears.
18.) If everyone is doing it, it’s probably cool.
Four Lokos? Country music? Facebook? I realized all of these things were cool because other people were doing them.
19.) Save your winning scratch tickets for when you’re broke.
Then you can cash them and buy booze when you really need it.
20.) Play a lot of beer pong.
That way you’ll be good at it. Winning is fun.
21.) Stop caring what other people think about you. And stop fucking crying.
Seriously, nothing worse than crying girls. Stop fucking crying. Just stop talking too while you’re at it.
22.) Your boyfriend likes to look at other girls.
Stop being so jealous, that’s what crazy girls do.
23.) People that are rich are not better than you.
They’re just more boring and have more stuff and will die first in the apocalypse because that was the Mayan plan all along.
24.) Lindsay Hitchcock is the hottest relationship columnist and is the Carrie Bradshaw of Orlando. She gives the best advice for girls that don’t have their own brains and need to ask a girl that looks like alien vs. predator what she thinks. You know you’ve made it when you write for AOL and contribute nothing other than dating diarrhea to the internet for a living. Everyone should want to grow up to be just like her.
So there you have it. Feel free to add any I may have missed. #25 I don’t have all fucking day for this shit.